The truth about saggy pants exposed
It seems like just 345 years ago, Sir Isaac Newton was sitting under a tree, sipping a Caramel Macchiato, and doing a Sudoku puzzle when an apple fell on his head compelling him to realize his Laws of Universal Gravitation.
In what seems to be such a simple principle, has managed to escape and baffle physicists for the past 2 decades. "Sagging," refers to a style in which a person wears their pants below their waist exposing much of their underwear.
It was originally believed to have derived from inmates in prison, who were not allowed to wear belts, in fear that they would hang themselves. It was then adopted by the hip-hop culture, then spread throughout urban, suburban, and rural areas, to all races.
In recent years, municipalities have been clamping down on Sagging, stating that the youth of this country have become so lazy and defiant, that they refuse to keep their pants up.
In June of 2007, the Town Council in Delcambre, Louisiana passed an indecent exposure ordinance against people who wore their pants saggy.
As time goes on, pants have been sagging lower and lower, inching their way to the point where teenagers in Brooklyn, NY have been literally walking down the street with their pants around their ankles.
We spoke with State Senator Adams who had this to say, "Residents are furious, and they demand justice! We can't sit back another minute and let these pants get any lower! Before you know it, it will be winter. We can't have our kids walking around in the snow without pants. We want answers, damnit!"
One Brooklyn teenager, a member of the notorious gang, the 6th Street Shannigans, Juan Carlos Greenberg, had this to say, "We ain't doin' nothin', man! What is this guy's trip? I am not my pants keeper. That's just how we roll, Dog."
One person has heard the cries, and is now playing an active role in solving the epidemic. His name is Charles Wheatley, an Astrophysicist for NASA. Wheatley, who has been working on the problem for the past 3 years, believes he has found a scientific explanation.
At a press conference at NASA's headquarters this morning, Wheatley stated, "After hundreds of tests, I have found the cause for sagging pants. There appears to be a definite link between sagging pants and gravity. The problem is more universal than we thought. If we were on the moon, the pants wouldn't sag, but the minute that we enter the Earth's atmosphere, the pants head straight to the ground in a fashion that is consistent with Newton's Gravitational Law that gravity equals 9.81 m/s^2. It really isn't the youngster's faults. The only way to combat the force of gravity is an equal, opposite force. The only way to achieve that is either by people holding their pants up, or to take more desperate measures, a belt."
At this time, lawmakers will have to cool their heels until a reasonable solution can be dealt out. In the meantime, some religious and political leaders, not satisfied, are calling for the Government to take more proactive measures by building an anti-gravity machine.
President Obama acknowledged the request today stating, "I understand America's frustration with saggy pants, but if we solve that by doing away with gravity, we'll have to nail everything else down. And that would be a huge pain in the ass."
Silly's Soft News™, your silly news source...updated whenever we are feeling particularly silly.™
